Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
