Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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