Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
