Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
