she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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