He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
