my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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