and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
