I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
