my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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