I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
COCAINE IS GR8
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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