You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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