I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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