I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
