Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
