This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
