My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
