I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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