Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
