I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize