It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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