my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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