Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
