I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
