laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
