we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
