Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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