You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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