Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
