woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
