Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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