There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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