I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
