My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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