She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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