Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize