New invention idea: vibrating tampons
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
