Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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