Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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