I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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