He told me they were just razor bumps!
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
