Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
