My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
