It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
