Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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