I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize