You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
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