Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Randomize
