Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
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