I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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