I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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