Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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