Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
