I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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