I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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