I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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