I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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