I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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