P.S. I can't hear my feet
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
