We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
