So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
