just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
