are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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