i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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