honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
