i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
